Our toilet officially has a mind of its own.

The darn thing is out of control, and we are powerless to its havoc. Before I go into the incident that transpired the other day, let’s review its first transgression.

Several months ago when Dan was traveling for business, I awoke in the middle of night because it sounded like someone decided to install a rather large water feature in our condo. I heard water gushing from the hall bathroom, and I knew it could not be good news. I sprang up in bed and grabbed our big Maglite because that thing is heavy and could do damage. Since I was functioning in a half-asleep daze, I assumed that someone broke into the condo and decided to take a shower. Why else would the water be going off? Surely, once someone breaks in to a home, he or she decides that the next order of business is a refreshing shower.

I was so wrong, and sadly, I wish I was right (I really could have clocked someone with that Maglite).

I turned on the bathroom lights and saw that while no one was in the shower, there was definitely a lot of water spraying all over the bathroom from an unidentified area. At this point, I did not know what to make of the situation, so, obviously I decided to call my mom. At 3:30 a.m.

Needless to say, my mom was super confused about why I was calling her at such an early hour (side note: she thought I was my sister, which led to increased misunderstandings), but when she finally realized what was happening, she sprang into Super Mom mode. She told me I would have to go back into the bathroom to investigate, especially since the water was accumulating. Rapidly.

So, I did, and it turned out that the hose that connected the wall to the toilet blasted off of the toilet and was spraying water out like an out of control garden hose. I tried to turn off the water from the knob on the wall but 1) the knob was super tight and 2) the water was spraying me in the eyes.

I gave up on turning off the water and relayed the situation to my mother. She decided I should call the condo emergency line and ask someone to come assist me. When I reached someone at the security line, they told me that they handle actual emergencies, really, not water malfunctions. But, I assured them that this was a genuine emergency, and lest they wanted the entire first floor to float, they better get to me ASAP.

And I suppose since they did not want me and my toilet to ruin everyone?s night, they sent over a gentlemen to assist me. I forgot that I was dripping wet, so when I answered the door, the security guard must have thought I looked like a swamp creature. But, he helped me nonetheless and was able to turn off the water.

My bathroom had already turned into my personal wading pool, and I knew all the towels in the whole building would not mop up this mess. So, in the morning, a group of maintenance gentlemen showed up with a shop vac and an industrial sized dehumidifier than looked like something out of Star Wars. I explained to them that I had nothing to do with this malfunction, and they just nodded like they did not believe me and started to suck up the inches of water from the tile and carpet.

When I was able to relay this message to Dan, I am pretty sure he was glad to have been out of town. But, he was not so lucky this time, which brings me to this week?s incident.

As I was getting ready for work, the toilet made this weird sound, and I heard it start to fill up. All on its own. Like it was possessed.

Since I had not touched it, I lifted the lid to see what was happening, and the darn thing started to spill water all over the ground.

Dan was home this time around to deal with the demon toilet, so I raced into our room and roused him out of bed with “THE TOILET IS OVERFLOWING, THE TOILET IS OVERFLOWING.” I mean, who would not want to wake up to that greeting?

And Dan was able to turn off the knob to stop the water, but not before several inches of water accumulated in my bathroom. Again. Like déjà vu.

While I went off to work, Dan tended to the bathroom, and when I came home I was most grateful to him for taming the toilet demon.

And I told him, he is so lucky to live with me because things are never dull! There is a lot of excitement! What would life be like without me? He said he thought that maybe he would get more sleep and peace and quiet, but, in the end, he agreed that things would be much too boring.

But he also said, as a caveat, that he thought it best that I am limited to only one disaster a week.