As a mommy, I often feel emotionally pulled in several directions. Sometimes during the day, if Kate has been especially cranky, or even if she has been a perfect angel, I think about how nice it might be to go somewhere alone. Like to the grocery or Target. All by myself. No heavy carrier whacking and bruising my legs. No tired shoulders from carrying her around the grocery in the Bjorn. No worrying that someone might steal her if I take my eyes off of her for a second. No listening to screams and wails as I navigate traffic.

But, also no Kate. So that would mean I would have to leave her in the care of someone else as I went about my alone activity.

And this I cannot stand. Because I am the mommy. I am the Kate expert. I know how she likes to be held and how she likes to be spoken to and how to make her giggle. I know what song to sing to make her stop crying and start smiling.

It torments me to think that while I am out getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist or shopping for toilet paper at Costco, Kate is probably crying. And wondering where that mommy went.

And equally tormenting is the though that she is doing something sweet and cute without me there to see. Possibly enjoying her time with daddy or whoever. And forgetting about her mommy.

I realize some separation would probably do us some good. So the other day I went shopping at Gap for un-mom jeans. All. By. Myself. I felt so naked. Like I was missing an appendage. I kepting feeling like I needed a stroller to push or a baby carrier to hold. Funny how I have spent the grand majority of my life as just me, only caring for myself, and how only after a mere four months I feel completely empty without Kate attached to my body.

So I went to Gap, grabbed armloads of jeans, quickly pulled them on and off like they were on fire, and ran to the register with the pair that fit the best. And rushed home. Maybe 40 minutes after I left.

As I busted through the front door eager to see my baby, there she was, hanging out with her dad. Not crying. But a super smile spread across her face and her whole body wiggled upon seeing me, The Milk Lady.

Since I am a SAHM, I do not have any experience with dropping her off someplace and picking her up later. This is good and bad, I suppose. 99.9 percent good because I love spending my days with Kate, even the challening days. But a smidgen bad because some might say some separation would do us good.

But right now I am just not okay with leaving her. Not right now. Not even for a little bit. But one day I will. I know when I am feeling brave enough one day, I will try again leaving her with her dad or her grandma for an hour or so. But not today.

“You know, all that hair is going to fall out. You are going to find locks of her hair in the crib. She is going to loose that hair.”

For some reason, instead of telling me I have a cute baby, many strangers feels the need to tell me Kate’s hair is going to fall out. I am not sure if they are jealous of her thick, trying-to-curl locks or what. But everyone wants to tell me one day I would put my baby in the crib with hair and wake up to a bald kid.

Well, it has been almost 17 weeks, and the only hair in Kate’s crib is from our dog.

Not only does she still have every tendril of hair, but it is changing color and growing longer. So much longer in fact, that she might need a hair cut before her first birthday.

Oh, and her eye color. That is the other thing strangers wanted to weigh in on. Everyone tells me her eyes will change. That they will not remain beautifully cerulean. That of course her eyes would turn brown, just like their baby. Well, that would be a genetic feat, I tell them, because both her Dad and I have blue eyes. But thanks for playing.

So while everything else about Kate has been changing, her lovely locks remain firmly implanted in her head and big blue eyes remain blue.

But now she is trying to pull herself up into a sitting position. And that is really cute because she is like a person who has not been to the gym in a while and is attempting to perform curl ups. She grunts and grunts as she tries to propel herself up, pumping her arms as if she could generate enough wind to force herself up. And she is trying to grab things with her little hands. This is proving challenging to her because she likes to clench her fists. It is so funny to watch the wheels turn in her head, it is as if she knows she needs to separate her fingers to grab the ring toy, but those darn fingers just stay clenched. But she seems to be getting the hang of it, and she laughs a big belly laugh when I clap for her.

And now I am wondering if the next phase we are entering is the teething phase. Her mood is much the same, but she is drooling like a rabid animal. So much drool. And she is stuffing burp clothes into her mouth and chomping away. While I got my teeth late, my husband got his teeth early. For some reason, Kate does not like me poking around in her mouth, so it is hard to say if her gums are producing little teeth bumps.

She will be four months old next week. So it could be time. I have read that teething can occur for weeks before any actual teeth start making their debut. Moms, what do you think?

A couple of weeks ago, I asked my pediatrician what I can do to make sure I am providing Kate with maximum education and stimulation.

I was exhausting myself day in and day out in my own education showcase where I played the lead character in attempt to activate those neurons in her baby brain. I was reading books and singing in my bad singing voice that only my baby could love and other assorted educational/entertainment I could muster for my drooling infant.

As I relayed this information, my pediatrician cocked her head, gave me a confused look, and said “just put her in her bouncy chair in front of a table leg. The leg has wood stripes in it, that is interesting enough to her.”

What?! You mean I was edu-taining my baby for nothing? Force reading her Green Eggs and Ham and singing “Wheels on the Bus” over and over again for nothing?

I made a mental note to record this under Things I am Not Going To Worry About With My Next Kids.

So I stopped trying to edu-tain Kate and surprisingly we started having more fun. I narrated my day to her as I unloaded the dishwasher, typed on the computer, and blow dried my hair. And I read whatever I wanted. Kate seemed particularly enthralled with a Real Simple magazine article on how to speed clean your bathroom.

And I also discovered I can leverage technology to take my place when I need a mental break or just need to brush my teeth. Kate loves the TV. Especially the Today Show. She thinks Matt Lauer is super, and she squeals with delight when Meredith Viera comes on the screen. So I stick her in her swing in front of the TV, so I can eat my breakfast leisurely instead of shoving food in my mouth in anticipation of her cries and wails. Plus, she stays current on all the national and world news.

Also, a big shout out to YouTube because Kate loves music videos. When I want to read blogs or cruise the Internet and Kate balks at her bouncy chair, I put her in my lap, pull up YouTube on one monitor and read my blogs on the other monitor. Kate especially loves Katy Perry. I am aware Katy Perry is not really age appropriate, but something about those dancing gummy bears in the California Gurlz video really makes her flail with excitement.

I used to think I should be put under the Bad Mommy files for failing to edu-tain my daughter for all her waking hours. But then I decided I am a Cranky Mommy when I cannot get a few minutes to myself. Just a few minutes without Kate actively spitting up all over me or breastfeeding or pulling my hair or screeching in my ear. Giving myself a break from edu-taining her makes me much more patient and willing to be Kate’s personal buffet/spit up rag the rest of the day.

Bad Mommy? Nah. Perhaps Smart Mommy

The amount of literature available on raising babies makes my head spin. It seems there are as many theories on babies as there are babies in the world. When I was pregnant, I limited myself to the What To Expect and Baby Center websites and only two books – The Happiest Baby on the Block and What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Oh, and a handful of YouTube videos.

I knew that the more I read, the crazier I would become. The amount of information on infant care is overwhelming – especially because all of the books and websites contradict each other. Let the baby cry herself to sleep. No, never let an infant cry. Allow baby to sleep anywhere. No, only in the crib. Or only in your bed. Or upside down. Ugh.

Oh, and schedules. Schedules seem to be the holy grail of motherhood. SCHEDULE. Whenever I talk with other moms, we automatically discuss the schedule. Kate is a little too young to be on a schedule just yet. And while I want her to be on some sort of schedule at some point in the near future, I cannot for the life of me determine what sort of schedule to select. It seems that between the ages of zero and one-year, babies are so variable from week to week and then month to month that hammering down a schedule seems akin to hearding cats. Kate thinks that the baby experts who calls for an exact 9 a.m. and 1 p.m. nap can suck it. Oh, and I want to have that expert over here to listen to her wail in her crib for an hour because she is supposed to “cry it out.”

I am not against any particular baby-scheduling-sleeping scheme. I just think they are personal to each baby. And I cannot seem to find The Middle Ground approach. And Kate is probably too young at just shy of four months. But all these books and websites and baby literature makes it seem like if I do not have some sort of approach nailed down, then my baby is headed for doom and will most likely grow up to be a hyperactive toddler and adult menace.

It is enough to make a mom want to pull her hair out.

I have tried talking to Kate about this, but the most information she can offer is a drooling smile. I think she subscribes to the Got My Momma Tied Around My Finger approach.

Oh, hello blog. Kate and I were on our own for a couple days, which means I went from being on call 24 hours a day seven days a week to…well, still 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the enhanced version. Kate prefers to be held rather than sit in her bouncy seat watching me type, but as anyone who as ever attempted to type while holding a baby knows, that proved especially difficult. And her new trick is pitching herself forward, so I have to stop every few seconds to prevent her forehead from smashing into the glass computer desk. That would be a hard injury to explain.

Anywhere, so here we are, and it has been a challenging couple of days:

1) Kate has been sleeping through the night for weeks now. Weeks! Eight or nine hours straight! So, of course, what does she do last night? She got me up THREE TIMES. THREE TIMES. It has been a long time since I have had to see 1 a.m., and to say that I was uncheerful to see 1 a.m. would be an understatement.

2) Why is it that my body is incapable of napping when I strike gold and get Kate to nap but as soon as she wakes up, I can barely keep my eyes open?

3) As a follow up, Kate mostly will not nap. Especially not in her crib. No. Yet, she will sleep in her crib overnight (except for last night). Why? Why no naps in the crib?

4) I would consider being part of a sleep study where they hook up cords to your head just so I could sleep through the night. Even though Kate sleeps through the night mostly (again, what was the deal with last night?), I am now incapable of sleeping through the night. I wake up several times a day to check on her. And I do not gently awaken, oh, no. It is more like a jolt. I have not had a good night’s sleep since June 2. I have talked with other moms about this issue, and it seems that once you become a mom, you never sleep right again.

5) I slept funny a couple of nights ago, and I got this crick in my neck that is still preventing me from turning my head to the right. I am currently wearing one of those disposable heatwrap things. And I am still in my pajamas. I think I will wear them all day. You know, in case my body decides it can nap. Which will inevitably happen once Kate awakens.

The funniest part of this video is the part you cannot see. Kate sat in my lap as I uploaded and played back the video. And when she saw and heard herself, she went nuts. Flailing her arms and squawking at herself like “hello, me, hello, me!” She was mesmerized with herself.

In other news — Kate rolled over. A tummy to back roll. Mama was very proud. Sadly, she seems to only wanted to perform that trick once today, so no video. Hopefully next time.

Shopping with a baby is like being a contestant on a game show where you have to quickly go through the aisles, getting everything on your list, consulting your coupons, and singing Journey songs to your infant so she will stop screaming at the deli counter.

The prize is making it out WITH your groceries.

On one particulary terrible trip to Harris Teeter Kate screamed the whole time. I found that singing “Don’t Stop Believing” was the only way to silence her cries. And I was multitasking so much that I forgot I was actually singing until I noticed other people staring at me. Oh, well. Anyway, Kate was screaming, and when she screams my brain goes numb and I have trouble processing information. Oh, and of course I lost my list somewhere between leaving the house and Harris Teeter. So, I was going off of memory. And I also forgot my VIC card, and I could not remember what telephone number I linked to the card, so I had to go through all my numbers and family member’s numbers until I found a winner. This infuriated the check out lady. And on the way out, my soda 12-packs bounced out of the bottom of my cart and landed in the middle of parking lot.

Needless to say, this trip was a terrible mess. I wanted to cry along with Kate.

So, I sought out to never have that type of trip again. And to come up with some tips on shopping with baby. This is what I do:

1) Make a list and – this is the important part – TRY NOT TO LOOSE IT SOMEWHERE IN THE BOTTOMLESS PIT THAT IS THE DIAPER BAG. Put it some place safe. And remember that place. Then you can stick to your list and not have to use any braincells to remember what you need.

2) Pull out your coupons ahead of time. This will prevent you from loosing them or failing to use them. I pull them out and paperclip them together, so all I have to do is hand them over when I get to the check out.

3) Use a baby carrier. The first couple times, I put Kate in her baby carseat inside the big part of the cart. Well, I found out rather quickly that I would need to go to the grocery every day at that rate because only so much stuff can fit in the cart with Kate’s big carseat. So I decided to hook her carseat on the top of the cart in the area where bigger kids sit. This is okay. The trouble for me is that I am not a particularly tall person. So I have trouble seeing over Kate’s carrier, so I do not knock into the giant display of Bounty paper towels. I have to prance around the store on my tippy toes just so avoid careening into other shoppers or the shelves. Plus, I was always worried that if I took my eyes off of her for a second, someone would steal her just like I saw on that one Law and Order episode. So, I decided enough was enough and I started wearing her in the Baby Bjorn. Recently, I have been facing her outwards, and she loves this. She can stare at people and see all the interesting sights like the rotisserie chickens. All that stuff is super interesting to her. So she is entertained and I can actually devote some brainpower to purchasing food.

4) Don’t try to do too much. One time I pushed my luck and tried four different stores in one morning. I will never do that again. Not only were my arms tired from lifting Kate in and out of her baby seat and into the Bjorn, but Kate needed to eat and had had enough of shopping. I ended up having to nurse in a parking lot. While I am quite capable of nursing under any circumstances, I prefer not to have to nurse behind the wheel of my car in a parking lot surrounded by the local firemen who also happen to be shopping. Not my finest hour. Break it up. Besides, it will give you another excuse for going out the next day.

5) Make sure you pack that diaper bag well — and double check before you leave. Once I was just about to pull into the Costco parking lot when I realized I forgot my wallet. So, not only was I driving without a license, but I had no money. This was absolutely maddening. I almost pitched an adult trantrum. Never, never will I leave the house ever again without checking to make sure I have my wallet. If it helps, put down a checklist on a Post It and stick it on your door. Nothing is more frustrating when you have a baby in tow than forgetting something major like a wallet for diapers.

I like to lead an active lifestyle, so I try to get out with Kate at least once a day. And I was scared at first, but I just kept making myself get out, even after all the aforementioned blunders. If I do not get out, Kate and I start to not like each other by the afternoon. Getting out is crucial to my continued mental health.

I hope these tips help other moms. Any other advice?