As a mommy, I often feel emotionally pulled in several directions. Sometimes during the day, if Kate has been especially cranky, or even if she has been a perfect angel, I think about how nice it might be to go somewhere alone. Like to the grocery or Target. All by myself. No heavy carrier whacking and bruising my legs. No tired shoulders from carrying her around the grocery in the Bjorn. No worrying that someone might steal her if I take my eyes off of her for a second. No listening to screams and wails as I navigate traffic.
But, also no Kate. So that would mean I would have to leave her in the care of someone else as I went about my alone activity.
And this I cannot stand. Because I am the mommy. I am the Kate expert. I know how she likes to be held and how she likes to be spoken to and how to make her giggle. I know what song to sing to make her stop crying and start smiling.
It torments me to think that while I am out getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist or shopping for toilet paper at Costco, Kate is probably crying. And wondering where that mommy went.
And equally tormenting is the though that she is doing something sweet and cute without me there to see. Possibly enjoying her time with daddy or whoever. And forgetting about her mommy.
I realize some separation would probably do us some good. So the other day I went shopping at Gap for un-mom jeans. All. By. Myself. I felt so naked. Like I was missing an appendage. I kepting feeling like I needed a stroller to push or a baby carrier to hold. Funny how I have spent the grand majority of my life as just me, only caring for myself, and how only after a mere four months I feel completely empty without Kate attached to my body.
So I went to Gap, grabbed armloads of jeans, quickly pulled them on and off like they were on fire, and ran to the register with the pair that fit the best. And rushed home. Maybe 40 minutes after I left.
As I busted through the front door eager to see my baby, there she was, hanging out with her dad. Not crying. But a super smile spread across her face and her whole body wiggled upon seeing me, The Milk Lady.
Since I am a SAHM, I do not have any experience with dropping her off someplace and picking her up later. This is good and bad, I suppose. 99.9 percent good because I love spending my days with Kate, even the challening days. But a smidgen bad because some might say some separation would do us good.
But right now I am just not okay with leaving her. Not right now. Not even for a little bit. But one day I will. I know when I am feeling brave enough one day, I will try again leaving her with her dad or her grandma for an hour or so. But not today.