I used to drive a clean car. Well, okay, so I had the occassional stray Diet Coke can and gum wrappers. But my car did not look like I lived in it. I always took my work bags in the house instead of letting them hang out for days inside my car, dumping pens and paper and what not all over the back seat. Each day I brought in my travel coffee mug, tossed out Google Map directions, and collected various bobby pins and hair doodads.

But now, oh, now, the inside of my car is horrifying. Horrifying. The back seat alone is filled with extra onesies, diapers, old grocery flyers, various sweaters and scarves, receipts, and Cherrios. Oh, the Cherrios. Sometimes to ensure quiet in the car, I give Kate a snack trap full of Cherrios. She enjoys both eating the Cherrios and tossing them around the car. You see those Cherrios in and around her car seat? Yeah, those have been there a week. Whenever she gets in the car, she is all, “ooh, a snack!” and clamors for those week-old stale Cherrios. Whatever, it could be worse. The other day I pried a dead bug out of her mouth. Stale Cherrios are the least of my concern.

Anyway, my car used to be clean. And the backseat definitely did not become encrusted with Cherrio dust. But now my car looks like a recycling bin and a Babys R Us engaged in a Battle Royale in my backseat. Why do I have two baby carriers in there? A Bjorn and an Ergo? I only use the Ergo now. And why do I have the contents of Kate’s sock drawer in the back seat? Also, I should really put her boots away as it is summer in Virginia which means hot and humid until October.

Every time I get in my car I think, I should really clean out this stuff. But then I get caught up carrying in groceries and extracating Kate out of her jumbo car seat and then my Edys is melting and someone is calling me and Kate is crying. Then I forget until the next time I get back in the car when I once again realize my car became the dumping ground for my family’s trash.

I swore I would never be that mom. You know, that mom with the baby gear and toys and empty water bottles and blankets and stale snacks taking up residence in her car. Turns out, I have a little of that mom in me. But being that mom sometimes is a necessity. I use my car as a storage container. I need to keep my Ergo and car seat cover in there because if I brought them in the house, what are the chances I would remember to bring it with me before I went to the grocery? As a mom who has entered a grocery line with a cart full of groceries only to realize she forgot her wallet FOR THE THIRD TIME, I am guessing chances are slim I am remembering anything besides Kate. Thus, the need for my car to serve as the storage-container-on-wheels.

Oh well, it seems a car full of junk is part and parcel to this mom gig. And my car is going to stay that way until I knock out my More Important Things To Do. Until then, I think, at least no one would want to steal my ride.

I’ve been to the pediatrician twice this week. Twice I sat in the waiting room for 30 minutes past my scheduled appointment time and twice attempted to entertain Kate with tongue depressors in the exam room and twice hogtied Kate so the doctors could get a look in her ears.

When you are a mom, you know something just isn’t right. On Monday, I knew Kate did not feel well. She was clingy, her nose was running, and disposition was well short of charming. As parents, we do this should-we or shouldn’t-we take him/her in dance. Chances are it could be nothing and they will send us out on our merry way to deal with a snotting child for the next five to seven days. Or it is something a couple doses of antibiotics will turn this gray, screaming-filled day into a sun shining smilely day. Fifty-fifty.

I often err on the side of bringing her in. So, I took her in to the pediatrician. After waiting and waiting and more waiting and ripping up all the paper coverings on the exam table and bracing myself against Kate’s wails as the doctor checked out her ears, the doctor told me it looked like an ear infection was brewing, but at this point, there was nothing she could do about it. She saw fluid, but it was not enough to prescribe Kate medication. I could have pushed her. I could have asked her to write me a script that I would only fill if I thought conditions were not improving.

But I decided to let it go and just come on back if Kate continued to act as if a demon possessed her 22 pound body.

By Thursday I knew. I knew something was going on in those ears. Now, some parents decide to just let ear infections take their course. And some moms in my moms group use various homeopathic remedies. And I am not all about pumping Kate full of antibiotics. But this child was in misery. Between the pain in her ear and the runny nose coupled with the fact that her top gums were puffy and swollen from the incoming of her top two teeth, well, this child was a complete wreck.

So I brought her in again, and sure enough, I was right. The doctor saw a flaming ear infection in her right ear, called in some antibiotics, and this morning, Kate is back to her sun shiny self.

Sick kids are the worst. They feel terrible, they don’t know why, and they resort to alternatively throwing themselves on the floor in a fit of rage and screaming at their parent’s face like “help me you idiot, don’t you see I DON’T FEEL GOOD!” So we slog it out at the pediatricians and often have to come back and try our darnest to make them comfortable so the screaming will end and the ringing in our ears will stop.

Kate is on the mend today. Her spirits are good, she gobbled her breakfast, and she is currently destroying the office/playroom and terrorizing the poor dog. So I would say things are on the up and up here. And thank goodness because Kate has two social events this weekend no to be missed. And if her mood heads south, well, the pediatrician is five minutes away.

After having Kate, I resolved to be a “never say never” person. Sometimes, even if I did not anticipate that style of parenting, I give it the old college try and see what happens. Also, I found parenting to be a truly eye-opening experience in Adjusting Expectations. Now, looking back at almost a year of parenting, I want to share some of the Things I Thought about Babies Before I had a Baby:

5. Baby would entertain herself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Is that enough HA HA’s for you? Just wanted to make sure I really drove the point home on this one. I thought Kate would happily play with her blocks and plastic food and the like while I got chores done and wrote emails. No, that is not how that works at all. Kate will entertain herself for small increments of time here and there, but definitely not for much of an extended period of time. Not usually enough to accomplish big tasks. So I had to learn how to start and stop and start and stop tasks. Anyway, now that Kate is just about a year, it is easier, but still, every day is a challenge in altering expectations.

4. I will never co-sleep. Our first night at home, Kate let it be known she would not sleep alone. Heck no, why should she? For nine months she slept nestled in her watery womb where she was carried everywhere and heard her mom’s voice and felt the comforting beating of her mom’s heart. So, when we wrapped her up like a miniature burrito and layed her in (what seemed at the time) a vast, empty crib, well that was just a no go. That first night, we took turns holding her while the other slept. The next day Dan went out to get the cosleeper. I used the cosleeper for about two weeks before moving her to the crib. Even then, there were several mornings where I gave up on the crib somewhere around 4 a.m. and ended up nursing her/sleeping with her on the couch. Also, to get some rest in the afternoon, I often would lay down with her to nurse, so she could nurse/sleep, and I could just close my eyes and rest even if I was not truly sleeping. We never had Kate truly sleep in our bed because 1) I was terrified of accidently smothering her and 2) she snores/mouth breathes so loudly I could not sleep. But she and I napped/rested together on the couch plenty of times between zero and three months.

3. Nursing is a cinch. I have a BA and a MA. It was easier to earn those degrees than learn to breastfeed. It seems that you whip out a boob, latch that baby, and that’s it. Umm…no. That’s most definitely NOT how it works. I have a whole post planned for the trials and tribulations of nursing, so for now, suffice it to say there is much more to nursing than leaky boobs.

2. I will never ignore my kids/always run to kids at slightest complaint. I read a lot of baby stuff when I was pregnant. And I knew all about the dreadful/wonderful (depending on your side of the fence) cry it out method or attachment parenting style or Happiness Baby on the Block techniques. Basically, there is more than one way to raise your little stinker. And different methods work at different times (and probably different methods work for different kids as we will no doubt find out with future children). So, when Kate was first born, yes, I ran to her at the slightest squeak. But, I never had to really get too far because that child remained in my arms about 20 hours a day for the first three months. Anyway, when she was older (and I eventually had to put her down to brush my teeth, shower, go the gym, etc…), I let her whine a bit. Sorry, mom must shower. Showers at our house are non-negotionable. People in the Bagley house aspire to cleanliness. And when Dan goes out of town, and I am doing double duty, well, Kate is just going to have to fuss while I put dishes away or take the garbage out or attend to Miss Belle. She knows how to crawl. She is this close to walking. She can see me and follow me. But sometimes momma just cannot hold her no matter how much she is whining. And that’s okay. A little fuss never hurt anyone. And as soon as I am done with whatever important chore that cannot wait, we can resume playing with stacking cups.

1. I will be able to maintain who I am even with a new baby. Oh, motherhood. Something about you is so all-encompassing that for the first several months of a new baby’s life, it is hard to tell where baby ends and mom begins. Only now after almost a year of parenting do I see and understand some of the complexities of motherhood and how it changes a person from All About Me to All About Baby. New baby is just so gosh darn needy, mom must give herself over life, body, and spirit. Since these little spit up factories cannot change themselves or feed themselves or put themselves to sleep or do anything, really, mom is there to take care of their every need. That seems obvious, right? Duh, Sarah, newborns need a lot of care. Right, round the clock care and nurturing. So I found I simply had no time to think about me. Kate and I morphed into this one creature out of necessity. Since I was breastfeeding, I took on all the feedings. And we became so bonded and as my role as SAHM, Kate and I grew an easy attachment. So, now it is easy to see how I started to feel like I did not know who I was any more. And I started to freak out about it. There must be something wrong with my parenting. Is Kate too attached? Am I too attached as a mother? Now as the parent of an almost one-year-old, I can say, no, nothing is wrong with how I parented and no Kate is not too attached to me or visa versa. Of course we were stuck like glue to each other for the first six months. That is normal and natural and how it worked best for Kate and me. New babies need their moms. And after six months when she started taking solid food and crawling and able to do more, we slowly untangled from each other. That is also normal. So, all this to say, it is easy to loose oneself in mothering. It happens. It’s the natural course of things. But when Kate got older, I took some time for myself, and got back into my routine, life became easier and mothering no longer felt like treading water in deep seas.

So there you have it. Things I Thought I Knew. How about you? Any insights?