When things don’t turn out like I think they will or should, my first thought is always: what did I do wrong? How did I let this happen?
It’s taken me 28 years to realize maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, I know the curve ball tossed at my face isn’t my fault. Like Tara Brach said, I did nothing wrong. It’s just real life.
I get worried that if I’m not viligent enough, then everything I’ve worked for will go to pot. But too much villigence sucks the joy out of life and makes everything about life harder than it really is.
And I don’t want to dissapoint myself. So if I do everything right, everything will turn out perfectly, no? And if not, then I’ll blame myself.
But, really, a large percentage of my day is beyond my control.
I can prepare to teach my group fitness class, get there, realize the mic is dead, do my best to teach mic-less, maybe make a mistake here and there. Even if I let Kate pick out everything about her day – her clothes, her food, her shoes – she will still throw a tantrum. If I follow a new recipe to the letter but it might still be a bust.
There’s only so much I can do. And it seems fruitless to run around trying to prevent any worst case scenarios because life’s not an emergency. Nothing is so urgent. For better or for worse, it’s all just real life.