Prompt for December 24: Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
There was a moment after Kate’s arrival that I am pretty sure both Dan and I thought Kate would be an only child. We were up all day and night, totally strung out. The postpartum hormones pulsed through my bloodstream like some sort of crazy drug. Dealing with a newborn seemed like an insurmountable task.
I thought I would never get a handle on being a mom. I was just a girl, what did I know? How could I be expected to take care of this living, breathing thing? I was pretty sure it would never get easier. I was tired and anxious and mentally checked out. Nursing was a struggle and a constant duty. I told Dan I was going to quit every day. I had to quit nursing. I was too tired to do this. Let’s hire someone.
But then I would say, “just one more day.” Just one more day. One more day. One more.
And one more day turned into a couple of days which turned into several weeks and before I knew it, Kate was three months old. And I had done it. Dan and I had done it, all by ourselves.
After one particulary bad night when Kate just refused to go down and I ended up staying up a good portion of the night with her on the couch, I realized I had finally made some head way. There I was, on virtually no sleep, stroking her head and nursing on and off all night long, yet, I felt like I finally found some inner strength. Somewhere deep inside I managed to get myself together, rise up from the newborn pit of despair and sleep exhaustation and tell myself, just one more day.
And that is when I realized that everything was going to be okay. That I could do it. Because I was stronger than I ever thought I could be. That I was capable of more than I ever thought possible.
Turns out I had the right idea with my Just One More Day mantra. To me, it meant, one foot in front of the other, only as far ahead as tomorrow, first thing’s first. Just taking it one day at a time instead of thinking my whole entire like was going to be misery and I would never ever sleep again proved to be just what I needed. And I still think that way, only thinking as far ahead as necessary, keeping things manageable. In 2011, I hope to continue just putting one foot in front of the other, just working on today.